Monday, May 9, 2011

Seven Snarky Ways to Get Your Pen Name and Query Letter Noticed

The following are seven sure ways to get your query letter noticed - desired followup results are not guaranteed.

1. Beg in your query letter - the more pathetic, the better.  This is probably our least popular approach as it is a bit humbling.
2. Refer to the agent/publisher's best author in your query letter. Be sure to include your favorite passage and what said author should have written to make it even better.
3. Include cash in your query letter - larger bills will help.
4. Send your query letter to the FBI with a spot-on description of your former neighbor and lead protagonist, Osama.  Be sure to include some detail not included in the media.
5. Draw a cute picture of a puppy next to your signature. Send same letter every week for six months making the puppy look bigger every week.  At end of six months, send a best and final query with a picture of the puppy standing in front of the euthanasia chamber at the animal shelter.
6. Call the agent/publisher every day at 4:59pm for six weeks about the status of your query letter. Stop for one week. Repeat.
7. Send query with the words "Indictment Proceedings" in the subject heading. Embed query letter in the main body of the letter as usual.  Include a nice closing ensuring the reader that you aren't serious about the indictment if they match their best author's deal.  Pro tip - use legal letterhead.

Author's note:  Let me know if any of these work for you.  I'd like to share any positive feedback with my readers.